Crassholes Balloons

I am a hugely sarcastic person, and a big fan of snark. I like mean birthday cards, snarky memes, making (light-hearted and not mean-spirited) fun of my friends and having them do the same to me. It’s so much fun.


When I discovered Crassholes balloons, I just about died. Finally, here was a company that got me. I’d MUCH rather get a balloon for my birthday that says”Happy Fucking Birthday, “Let’s Get Drunk or “Sorry You’re So Old” than a nice lovey balloon (although the gigantic Hello Kitty balloon my coworker once got me to be obnoxious was pretty hilarious too).


I mean, this idea is brilliant. You can make someone laugh, show them you’re their friend (after all, you’d never get someone you actually hated a rude balloon) and create some instant social media fodder all in one fell swoop.

Best of all, birthdays aren’t the only occasions for Crassholes balloons. Say “Congratu-fucking-lations” for a job well done. Express your sympathy with “Sorry The Condom Broke“. Tell someone “They’re Fucking Rad” or “Sorry I Fucked Up“. You can also tell them to “Eat a Dick”.

And not all balloons are actually insulting. You can tell your S/O you love them with “I Fucking Love You” and “You Make My Heart Happy“. Flirt with your S/O or someone you have a crush on with balloons like “Shit Girl You Is Fine and “Butt Stuff”?

Getting creative with smoothie straws
Getting creative with smoothie straws.

The only bummer about Crassholes Balloons is that you blow them up. Aka, your breath is not going to make the balloons float and look all pretty and floaty like helium does. So you’ll either need to make a trip to Party City for some helium, or you’ll need to get creative.

At midnight the day before my best friend was supposed to come over, we opted to get creative. My mom had the idea to tie the balloons onto smoothie straws. I purchased these brightly colored striped reusable cup straws in the dollar section of CVS. Cheap and efficient! Sadly the balloons STILL wouldn’t stay up, so we had to tape them to the straws. The result was not the most elegant thing, but judging by Sarah’s face the next morning, she still loved them:

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We took the balloons in the truck with us on the way to Lake Havasu. And on a long four-hour desert drive, these things sure come in handy.

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Here is Tara telling you all that she likes your butt:


And here is Geoffrey getting ready to be a total Skankity Skank in Havasu:


Which he totally was. Follow him on Instagram @mrgeoffreygiraffe for his entirely inappropriate shenanigans in Havasu, Vegas, Mexico, Santa Barbara, San Diego, Rancho Cucamonga, Portland and more.


Check out the next time you feel like being a total jackass.


Disclosure: I received products for review purposes. All opinions are my own.

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